Learning To Trust Again

How To Rebuild Your Life After Betrayal

If your trust has been shattered, it can feel as if you'll never be able to recover. The feeling of betrayal is one of most devastating emotions you can experience. It feels as if everything you once believed was a lie. Your world has shifted and changed beyond your control and you are thrown into a time of uncertainty. Whether the betrayal was infidelity, money, work-based, a friend or family, the pain is made all the more potent because it's the people closest to you who have broken your trust.

But it's essential for your own wellbeing that you do learn how to recover from the hurt of betrayal. A life without trust is a life lived in black and white, instead of in colour. If you don't learn to trust again, it is you who will suffer from a lack of meaningful relationships and an anger carried around with you - not the person who has hurt you.

Whether you are learning to rebuild trust with a person who has betrayed you, or if you are trying to form healthy relationships with new people, free from the emotional baggage of a past betrayals: you can learn to trust again.

6 Steps to Trust Again

1) Love Yourself

Before you can have a happy relationship, you have to be happy with yourself. In terms of broken trust, this means you mustn't blame yourself for the other person's behaviour. Even if your main emotion is anger or hurt, it's likely that subconsciously you blame yourself, in some part, for the betrayal. Understand that you cannot be responsible for another person's behaviour - the breaking of trust was not your fault. But do look at areas of your emotional life where you could make improvements to make yourself happier in the future. Could you work on your communication skills, your quick temper, or your insecurities? Fix the issues that hold you back in order to attract the best relationships into your life. Take time to heal before you try to rebuild trust.

2) Change Your Beliefs

Know that your future is not defined by your past - meaning just because you have suffered a betrayal now, this does not mean you will again. Your beliefs about what you expect in life are very powerful. If you expect good relationships you will attract them - expect bad and that's what you'll get. So in the context of trust, you should release this past betrayal and think only of future goodness that will come to you. Deal with your emotions and any practicalities that arise from the breach of trust but then don't dwell or brood on what has been done. Release it. Try this affirmation: 'I release past hurt. I open myself up to new opportunities and people, who are here for my highest good.' Repeat this twice everyday.

3) What Do You Want?

Life is a series of choices which transport you from the present into the future. The choices you make in this moment will determine your future happiness. If you are trying to salvage a relationship, you need to consider carefully if it is healthy for you to continue. Was it one mistake, or are there patterns of negative behaviour which are repeated? Sometimes a clean break and the chance to start anew is the best way forward for you both. You are worthy of being treated with love and respect. You do not deserve to be betrayed.

4) Listen To Your Intuition

If you are looking to build trust in your life with new people, moving forwards from a betrayal, you should take responsibility for your choices. Consider if you are falling into patterns of attracting negative people to you. If you always fall for the bad boys or girls of the world than you will probably experience broken trust again. Look for trustworthy people. These are people who are respectful and genuine in words and actions in public and in private. Don't dismiss a feeling or intuition telling you that the way a person has behaved is not acceptable. Take your time getting to know someone before you trust.

5) Acknowledge The Betrayal

To re-build an existing relationship, when the loss of trust is due to a one-off mistake, the person who has broken your trust must acknowledge the betrayal. It cannot be pushed aside, hidden or ignored because the hurt will fester.

The perpetrator must accept they have caused deep hurt and seek to heal this hurt by taking practical steps to prevent the betrayal being repeated. Find out the reasons for the betrayal - never as a justification - but as an explanation for behaviour that can be altered. For example, damaging behaviours, such as online flirtations, credit card spending or too much alcohol, must be changed with help from family and friends or a professional counsellor.

6) Trust Is Earned

You can rebuild trust with repeated positive experiences. If a person repeatedly demonstrates that you can rely on them, they always treat you with respect, they always keep your confidences, and spending time with them is an uplifting positive experience - then you will begin to trust them again. But rebuilding trust takes time. It will be a difficult process so you must both be fully committed for the long term. It can take months or even years. The final step is forgiveness. Once trust has been restored, you should put the betrayal behind you and start anew in a relationship that is stronger than before.