Is an ex an ex for a reason?

Whenever we go through a life changing break up it’s pretty hard not to ask ourselves whether or not we have done the right thing and many questions plague our minds. Was there anyway in which I could have saved the relationship? Was I being unfair? Is there still unfinished business? Does he/she still love me?

Not only do we feel rejected when we break up with someone but our self esteem also takes a knocking and some of us can even mistake love for a fear of losing someone because we do not want to be alone. Sometimes the drama and control of a difficult relationship can seem so alluring and passionate that we trick ourselves into believing that it must be love.


If they broke up with you or were unfaithful to you, you will no doubt ask yourself if you are good enough. Were my habits too much? Was I unattractive to that person? Or did the relationship just simply lose its spark? If he/she was trying to control you then you may even blame yourself in some ways forgetting the core reason of the breakdown. It can be a tough call and sometimes after weeks of being departed one of you may start to feel a hunger burning within, a loneliness, a longing and as much of a cliché as it may sound, hindsight works wonders.

Because so many questions go through our minds when we split up with someone, when they finally do make communication with us we may be so delighted that we gloss over the reasons why the relationship ended in the first place. It is important to remind ourselves why we broke up with that person and if things have changed and then perhaps ask yourself: Is it going to benefit the both of us this time round? Do I actually miss them? Or am I just feeling vulnerable and isolated? Remember that fear is a huge motivator after the break up of a relationship. Sometimes we can not see things for how they really are due to the upset and chaos of the ending, naturally we want to take back what we had before so that we no longer feel the pain and longing of that person. But sometimes it may be wise to step back, clear your head and then make a final decision. Many of us fear waiting and the impatience is what leads us back down the path that we have already learnt from.

If an ex does want you back then there are many things that you can consider before you decide to do so.
Ask yourself: Is this a lesson I really need to go through again? Or is it an equal partnership where I can experience harmony and wellbeing? Do they make me feel positive about myself? Or do they stop me from enjoying the things that I would usually participate in? Because true partnerships should enable us to grow and learn freely with each other, we should feel relaxed and at ease and if you don’t feel any of these things then you could be committing yourself to a double lesson of pain and heartache. Wanting things to change so desperately can be energy draining so it is very important that you detach yourself from any sweet talk or unrealistic expectation. You will soon know if you have made the right decision because your gut instinct never lies. It is the niggling thought in the back of our minds that we push to the side, hoping that it will fade away. But unfortunately it doesn’t.

What might also be important during the reflection time after a break up is to get out of the habit of comparing your relationships to other peoples. What works for one type of energy doesn’t necessarily work for another. It is about balance, cooperation and a willingness to compromise. What we often fail to realise is that we all love in so many different ways and have different abilities to love. Some of us don’t allow ourselves to love properly whereas others hold no bounds. If we have been loved securely as a child then we will of course feel secure about loving others. It is always important to take every detail into consideration and take our time to decide what is right. Relationships are like building blocks, we must first have a stable foundation and common ground before deciding to work our way to the top.

If your ex partner has been used to calling the shots then it is strongly advised that you take your strength back before agreeing to meet. Was it he/she that showed up when they felt like it? Called when they wanted to without returning your calls when you needed them to? If so, then it will be very hard to stabilise a secure relationship, even though they may say they have “changed” . They may well say that they have “changed” because they can not bear to lose the control and love is not love when you are consistently playing mind games with each other. Remember that love leaves no questions in true partnerships, there is an instant acceptance that goes hand in hand with trust.

On the brighter side, an ex coming back into your life doesn’t always mean that it is a bad thing. There are many success stories where partners split for months/years and then gracefully reunite. Sometimes, literally, all we need is breathing space and a will to make things work and it is of course possible for two people to come back together and grow providing their paths are equal. Sometimes, it’s as simple as needing closure in allowing ourselves to “cut cords” . when things go left unsaid and the air isn’t cleared completely we can refrain from letting others into our life without realising. Many people speak about the doors that seem to open for them after they have smoothed things over with an ex partner. Sometimes visualisation can help in cutting unwanted cords, but there is nothing more therapeutic than writing a letter, email or physically speaking to an ex partner to tie a knot in the “unfinished business” which is extremely common after a breakup.

Things to think about:


Ask yourself what it is you are going back to?

Have things really changed? Or are you walking back into a repetitive cycle that will eventually eat away at your inner strength? Is it a road that you need to revisit? Sometimes, we feel it is harder to be by ourselves than to be in a relationship that serves us no purpose. You may feel more secure in the sense that you are no longer alone, but emotionally you will blocked if the situation is wrong. Be realistic and set goals.


Don’t let ego stand in the way:

Many people fear it isn’t their place to make communication after a breakup, so they live in a smouldering cabin of frustration denying themselves the reason to make the first move, but the truth is that we are only tormenting ourselves by not speaking up. Rather than feeling that the ex has the “upper hand” in the situation, take the power back perhaps, own your thoughts instead and be proud of them by putting your cards on the table. Then you can simply move on. In the long run you will be the stronger person for getting everything off your chest.


Be prepared to face facts:

If you are preparing to meet up with a ex. Then try not to cling on to unrealistic expectations. Be aware that they may have unresolved issues from the previous relationship or that they are simply not in a position to offer you what you need at this moment in time. If you feel reassured and safe around an ex then it is more than likely that things can start to rekindle, but if you are constantly having to watch your own space and feel uptight, edgy and confused then it may be time to make peace and close the door.